Last night after I got off work, I went strolling over to Broadway to stock up on my Bath & Body Works shower gel. The air was cool and fresh, so after my errand was accomplished, I took the long way back to the subway stop that would take me home.
My chosen path took me by the NYU campus, and subsequently into the midst of college central. There were students everywhere: noses deep in books while perched on Starbucks barstools, tapping away on laptops in the unversity common rooms, sitting in packed windowed classrooms looking misserably bored, congregating around the benches in Washington Square Park, and walking in packs along the narrow surrounding streets.
Surprisingly, I didn't feel annoyed or indifferent to my surroundings, but melancholy. I currently have no desire to return to school, and have no deep love of my college experience (which concluded over 6 years ago) but that evening left me wondering about the 'what ifs'. I know that it is usually never a good thing to allow yourself to go down that road, but sometimes you can't help yourself.
The thing that intrigues me the most about 'what ifs' is not just the regret over missed opportunities, but the Butterfly Effect of those 'what ifs'. If I had done one small thing differently during my college years, what would my life be like today? I am intrigued by the fact that I could have have a completely different life (or lives) today.
Anyway, if I had the chance to do college all over again (knowing what I know now), would I have had the courage to go for that photography degree? Or would I have not been afraid of rejection and applied a month earlier to UT Austin, the school I really wanted to attend, in order to be considered for admission? (I submitted my application too late.) Or would I have been proactive and gone after those scholarships, instead of taking the 'easy' way and just accumulating student loans?
The logical answer is no I wouldn't have, because who I was at the time did not allow it since I didn't know then what I know now. And the decisions I made at the time were for an ultimate purpose (although, I'm still not entirely sure what that is exactly). Unfortunately, that is little comfort, as someone who truly wishes that she would have been braver. I wonder how many of those students I passed would have similar 'what ifs' in 6 years time? I hope, for their sake, not many.
2 comments:
Did you ever read those Choose Your Own Adventure books as a child? I did and now I torture myself as an adult because I can't turn back to page 6 and choose the other one. I envy those people who feel better after making a final decision. I always feel worse and I never stop second-guessing myself. I like better knowing that options are still open. But the options just keep on narrowing...
Thanks for depressing me! :)
Holy bajezzes, you opened up a can of worms in my poor little head. Everyone probably has those experiences, some of us more than others. Some of us tend to dwell on things like that more than others might too. It does get easier with time and perspective.
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